My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
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The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here