My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
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GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.