-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
White parent Vs Arab parents
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!