Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I’m crying im so happy for them
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.