“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
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Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.