You Might Also Like
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
hackers play passwordle
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit