Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
How did we not see this back then?
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that