God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
shit just got real
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
🍞🦆
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.