Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
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“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
are there any atheist mantises?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?