I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
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“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.