Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
🤣
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
eggs benadryl
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.