Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?