If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
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karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.