Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
You Might Also Like
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Meow
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.