It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.