You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
crochet youtube is brutal
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Pizza is an emotion right?
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.