Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
🙄😏😂🤣
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.