“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Happy Star Wars day!
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
sistine chapel
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.