*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire