Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
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me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
#parenting
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Extremely relatable.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
he was correct
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK