Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
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Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Blew out my flip flop…
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately