Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
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In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
me after drinking all the wine:
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy