If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
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Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My patience has stretch marks.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Your honor these allegations are
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.