To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.