Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
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if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.