Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
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Kids forever killing vibes 💀
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?