Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.