[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
You Might Also Like
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
This is so me 😂😂
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING