I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Sending in my taxes
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny