If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
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I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Rt to bother an English speaker
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.