velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
You Might Also Like
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job