Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
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Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
real
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
I’m crying im so happy for them
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”