Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
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Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.