Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You Might Also Like
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
(2022)
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Venn
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Merry Christmas