Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.