Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
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My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
💁🏻♂️
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november