99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
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“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”