Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Why did they call it an Amazon wishlist and not an ‘Oughttobuyography’.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!