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What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?