A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
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Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.