Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
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{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.