Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
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Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.