*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
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Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”