Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
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I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.