Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.