40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
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Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.