oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds