My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
You Might Also Like
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
He’s cranky this morning
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox