Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
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Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Stop sending me this shit.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Me checking my bank balance online.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
IT’S-A ME,
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*