Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
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“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.